In the third episode of “Primeval,” we spend 40 agonizing minutes trying to fix a disabled airplane so that our heroes can fly it back through the timewarp wormhole. Outside the plane are thousands of prehistoric man-eating beetles. Moments before Evan Cross, Aunt Jenna and a weepy pilot can jet back to present-day Vancouver, the beetles burst through the cockpit and turn the pilot into a squishy snack (a fate met by her co-pilot 20 minutes earlier).
Now without a pilot, Evan Cross and Aunt Jenna invent a new plan — leaving the plane, running through the beetles to reach the wormhole and OH MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS? THEY WERE 20 FEET AWAY FROM THE WORMHOLE THE ENTIRE TIME? WHY WERE WE EVEN TRYING TO FIX THE PLANE? THESE PEOPLE DIED FOR NOTHING!
Moments like this give us a glimpse into the feeble mind of “Primeval,” a show apparently written by people who lack the basic common sense required to leave the safety of our homes. For them, the world truly is filled with danger.
Their ignorance shows in other forms too. In the fourth episode, two stoner friends discuss what they should feed the bird (actually tiny dinosaur) they’ve just discovered. One suggests feeding the large bird some meat, like one would an eagle.
“You watch too much Discovery Channel,” his friend replies, as if only people who watch a lot of Discovery Channel know that birds of prey eat meat.
Honestly, “Primeval,” we know you’re stupid. You don’t need to keep reminding us. Continue reading
It seems I owe Aunt Jenna an apology.
Last week, I mistakenly referred to her character on “Primeval” as a cop. She is, we are reminded about 50 times during the episode (almost as if the writers realized they had confused their audience in the pilot… hmm…), a member of “predator control.” I think in the real world we call it “animal control” but maybe there’s a separate department in “Primeval” world that just controls prey. Bureaucracy.
This week, we meet Leo, an earnest young Native American stereotype who insists that he’s seen his spirit animal in the waters off Vancouver. Luckily, Leo’s uncle isn’t having any of this cliche nonsense. He mocks Leo for his backward obsession with literalizing a folk tale and begs him to join the drum-circle and chanting-based protest he’s waging against the local oil refinery OH COME ON. Continue reading
Why is it that TV shows think that people don’t care about animal attacks?
The scene is set the same way: Cops, coffee in hand, show up at the blood-spattered crime scene. The body is eviscerated to whatever degree the network can show. “Looks like an animal attack, O’Hara,” says the grizzled detective. “Yeah,” says his partner. “A big animal. A mountain lion, maybe a bear.”
Excuse me, what? We’re in an urban center and you think a BEAR ate this pedestrian?
THERE’S A HOMICIDAL BEAR ROAMING THE STREETS. WHY AREN’T WE PANICKING?!
The new SyFy show “Primeval: New World” is another one of the legion of supernatural shows that insists on pinning otherworldly crimes on wildlife. And even when multiple deaths with the same M.O. occur in the span of a few days, there seems to be calm reticence on the part of the civilian population. Because, hey, vicious animal attacks happen in large North American cities all the time. It’s just the risk you take.
The hungry supernatural critters in “Primeval” are, yes, dinosaurs and they’re munching on the residents of Vancouver. At night, during daylight hours, seemingly for at least the last year. Good thing no one’s onto them yet! Continue reading