Salem. The pilot.

You're going to think I'm hot right up until the second you see my leg nipple.

You’re going to think I’m hot right up until the second you see my leg nipple.

I think I just watched a 45-minute anti-abortion PSA.

Salem tells the story of Mary Sibley (Janet Montgomery), an unmarried woman in 1600s Salem, Massachusetts. When she discovers she’s pregnant with Shane West’s baby, she elects to abort it. Never mind the fact that he doesn’t know she’s pregnant despite the fact she’s big enough to be late in her second trimester; Mary takes her pregnant self into the woods for a good ol’ aborting.

She lies down in the woods and the insanity begins. She’s crawling with cockroaches. She’s hallucinating. Then, a devil with cloven feet comes and pulls her unborn child out of her. Her stomach instantly flattens. Is this how celebrities get in shape after baby? I never buy People magazine so I cannot confirm.

Sure, Mary got the abortion she wanted. OR DID SHE. Something about the experience turns her evil inside and now, seven years later, she’s the baddest, meanest witch in town.

If this show is sponsored by the Pro-Life Action League, I’m going to be sorely disappointed.

But this is not the strangest thing that happens on this show.

For your viewing pleasure, Mary later pulls a toad out of the throat of her invalid husband and then suckles it on a teat on her leg. Yes, you can read that again. I’ll wait.

It’s a nipple. On her leg. It’s not hot.

Characters based on real people are spared no indignities. Religious leader Cotton Mather is shown banging a hooker doggy-style while shouting Bible quotations. When he’s caught leaving the brothel (surely an expected event, considering the town is basically 10 houses built in a circle), he says that he was “just attending the poor” … with his penis.

Oh, and let’s not drop the Shane West bit. Yes, the Walk to Remember hunk is in this bizarre show. He returns from the Seven Years War with an awful wig and a “just got back from Woodstock” look. His accent is aggressively American, and yet it seems all the female characters have British accents.

I’ll give them a few more episodes to figure out their accents. Surely I can endure that having seen a toad nursed on a leg nipple.

FINAL RATING

3 stars out of 5

I’m a little fearful of how fearless this show is, but it’s a fine setup for weeks of pure insanity.

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