Once Upon a Time in Wonderland. Episode nine.

"Oh god no. We're still on the air?!"

“Oh god no. We’re still on the air?!”

Once Upon a Time in Wonderland took a big risk reuniting Alice and her long-lost love Cyrus in episode eight of the first season. Perhaps they worried viewers were tired of her quest to find someone she’d barely shared the screen with.

They were wrong. This is worse. So much worse.

Now that they’re in the same room, it’s apparent that Alice and Cyrus have no chemistry. Each time they kiss, you’re expecting to hear raw, sandpapery sounds. As for the journey now, they’ve teamed up with Queen Big Lips to find the Knave who — plot twist! — has turned into a genie.

It’s a transference of problems. The plot’s exactly the same: Jafar needs a genie, someone who loves the genie is trying to save him, friends help find the genie. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a plot twist that gave us the exact same plot as before. So I suppose that’s an accomplishment.

In the three months since the show has been off the air, only a few things have changed. Alice found a new outfit, Jafar’s hair is really bouncin’ and behavin’, and Iggy Pop decided that “Harvey Fierstein on quaaludes” was definitely how he wanted the Caterpillar to sound. Also, I’m pretty sure everyone’s accent changed a little bit. But maybe that’s because no one had a firm grasp on that in the first place.

Lizard, who is somehow a more annoying version of Sarah Silverman, finds the Knave and he grants her three wishes. Instead of wishing that she were a competent actor, she wishes for a makeover that will make him love her. Unfortunately for Lizard, his desired look is Alabama prom queen so she ends up looking like this:


As for Jafar, he’s off recruiting the Jabberwocky to terrorize the countryside and root out the genie. If you were expecting the Jabberwocky to be awesome and terrifying, it’s not. It’s a woman in a really bad wig. But maybe the plan is for her to sing “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” until the citizens of Wonderland commit mass suicide.


1 star out of 5

Two stars deducted for Jafar saying, “Fiat lux” to ignite a torch in the darkness. YOU LEAVE MY ESTEEMED ALMA MATER OUT OF THIS.