Reign. Episode nine.

We all look very period-appropriate and not-ridiculous, thank you very much.

We all look very period-appropriate and not-ridiculous, thank you very much.

This week on Reign: The king of France decides to legitimize his bastard son and make him the heir to the throne; the French court lets a Scottish teenager dictate the terms of a marriage arranged when she was a toddler; and Nostradamus gets prison-shanked by a deformed manchild who wears a burlap sack over her head.

When we last left the writers of this god-forsaken show, they were apparently reading the Wikipedia page for Mary Queen of Scots while furiously huffing paint. After a strong free-association session, they went with “all of the ideas” and jammed them into this inexplicable 45 minutes of television.

There are many things that make Reign one of the most offensively stupid TV shows I have ever seen. But nothing — nothing — comes close to the plotline wherein the bastard son of the king is going to be made his legal heir. There is no precedent for it. It is laughable. Beyond ridiculous. It would upend the very concept of royal succession. No pope, let alone a king, would advocate for it.

(Quick aside: Even if the pope were to sanction this move, Continue reading

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Beauty and the Beast. Episode ten.

Look a little less excited to be here, guys.

Look a little less excited to be here, guys.

The CW is lucky that no one watches Beauty and the Beast. Otherwise, the law enforcement branches of America might sue them for defamation.

The ineptitude and lack of professionalism displayed by the FBI and police on Beauty and the Beast is astounding. It goes beyond anti-cop sentiment and fringes into “basic misunderstanding of how workplaces function.”

In episode ten, Cat, Tess and Gabe are urgently summoned by the FBI. They meet in what appears to be the basement used for storage by NYPD. The FBI lady unzips a body bag to show them a dead woman inside. No one blinks. Right, standard protocol to take a dead body into a basement and show it to your friends.

“We were staking her out,” FBI lady explains. Aaaaand then they shot her. So this is going great so far. Continue reading

Sleepy Hollow. Episodes eight and nine.

Great, look what happened. You pissed off the Ents.

Great, look what happened. You pissed off the Ents.

Most of the time, Sleepy Hollow is a lot of fun. It’s campy and goofy and doesn’t take itself too seriously (cough, Dracula, cough). I’ve contemplated taking it off my list of “bad” TV altogether. But, at least for now, I’ll keep it on here. If only because goddamn, this show is lazy.

In episode eight, Abbie picks through a pile of books before she finds Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka.

“You know,” she says. “There’s been some pretty good American literature in the last 200 years.”

ARRRRGGGHHHHHH. I’m not even going to tell the writers to Wikipedia that. Nothing can help them.

Then there’s narrative laziness. Like in episode nine when the writers need to write themselves out of a locked house mystery. Instead of figuring out what’s going on in the house, suddenly Abbie has the power of second sight. Yup, that’s a solid cheat that she magically developed. Continue reading

Beauty and the Beast. Episode nine.

"I'm Vincent Keller, and I'm hosting a press conference in my bathrobe for no apparent reason."

“I’m Vincent Keller, and I’m hosting a press conference in my bathrobe for no apparent reason.”

The most annoying thing about Beauty and the Beast is how Cat and Vincent keep breaking up. They’re off for 35 minutes of the episode, then on again for the last five. It’s not love; it’s a co-dependent relationship.

Unfortunately, that’s what I seem to have with this show.

I keep telling myself I’m going to stop watching it. That I’m bored and I can’t possibly sit through one more episode. But wait, the nagging voice in my head says. Maybe this is the episode they blow everything up and start over. Maybe it will get crazy and fun like it used to be. I still remember that spark. I STILL REMEMBER.

That memory grows fainter with each week. “Don’t Die on Me” treads the same tepid water as the midseason finale. Cat’s moping around getting over Vincent. Vincent is in danger. A pointless secondary female character does aggravating things. A sampling of the inanity:  Continue reading

Reign. Episode eight.

Don't we have fun ... doing whatever this is.

Don’t we have fun … doing whatever this is.

Seven long episodes ago (or was it six? It feels like an eternity), Nostradamus predicted that one of Mary’s ladies in waiting would “never go home.” In the midseason finale, we are devastated to discover that it’s not Kenna.

I have a few dreams in life: to get married, to buy a nice house in an overpriced market, and to see Kenna brutally murdered by a pack of wolves. Sadly, Kenna’s entrails remain firmly in her body so she can continue her ceaseless campaign of complaining.

On this week’s episode, Kenna claims that the bad men from last week beat her up because she was the king’s mistress. A quick review of the tape reveals that was a lie. All of the girls were being almost-raped, honey. Stop making everything about you.

Kenna’s lover, King Henry, delivers an equally vapid and face-palming line when he tells Mary and Francis: “Together, you will someday rule half of Europe: England, Scotland and France.” Continue reading