Atlantis. The pilot.

Dear Atlantis,

Where are we? What do you want to be? Please help. I don’t understand.

I was with you in the beginning. Our modern hero, Jason, was taking a submarine voyage to find his missing father. Wait, no, that doesn’t make sense. What was he looking for? His dad has been missing for years. His dad isn’t the Titanic. I think it’s going to be pretty hard to find evidence of a single person in the entirety of the sea.

Anyway, I didn’t mind Jason falling into an underwater vortex and being spat out in Atlantis, the mythical lost city. I watch Doctor Who. I’m down for fantastical voyages. But I can’t abide Pythagoras and Hercules being roommates. Only one of these people was real. The other one played Robert Baratheon on Game of Thrones.

Also, why is a street merchant in ancient Greece offering Jason a watermelon? Where did he get that watermelon?! Continue reading

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Once Upon a Time in Wonderland. Episode eight.

And then Whoopi rabbit tore Alice apart with her sharp rabbit teeth the end.

And then Whoopi rabbit tore Alice apart with her sharp rabbit teeth the end.

I’ve been making fun of John Lithgow’s unfortunate CGI White Rabbit for quite some time now. I’d like to apologize to him for now I have truly looked into the eyes of Satan: the White Rabbit’s wife, Whoopi Goldberg.

Maybe the writers/animators of Once Upon a Time in Wonderland did this on purpose to make the White Rabbit more likable by comparison. But this is hell. It’s hell. I’ll be the first to say that America isn’t ready for an interracial rabbit couple because GAH THIS IS HELL.

As if to cheer us up from nightmare-inducing terror of Whoopi Goldberg as a CGI bunny, the show finally caves in and gives us what we want: the Cyrus-Alice reunion. They’re back together, yay! Seems like it should be pretty easy from here. Magic yourself to Storybrooke, join up with parent show Once Upon a Time, cancel this disaster and pretend like it never happened. Boom, solved your problem, ABC. Continue reading

Reign. Episode seven.

"So nice of us all to color-coordinate, don't you think?"

“So nice of us all to color-coordinate, don’t you think?”

I find that the best way to summarize episodes of Reign is by using bullet points. There are too many crazy, unconnected things happening in each episode to write a coherent narrative summary.

With my blessing, here are the highlights of the “random Italian duke takes the French royalty hostage with a dozen soldiers” episode:

  • First, that. An unknown Italian duke with the backing of a handful of soldiers takes the ENTIRE French court hostage. Reign explains this incredible, historically unprecedented event by telling us that the king and his soldiers are off fighting rebels in Lorraine, leaving the court to be protected by the French equivalent of “Hitler Youth and old men.” Um, sure.
  • The next nonsensical plotline comes courtesy of Diane de Poiters and her bastard son by the king, Sebastian. She’s determined to have him declared the king’s legal heir. “Everyone in Europe is doing it!” she says. Yeah, it’s all the rage in the hottest royal families to legitimize their bastard children. Kings definitely wanted their shitty accident babies birthed by prostitutes and barmaids to have legal claim to the throne. That’s never happened at any point in European royal history. But feel free to dream big, CW. Continue reading

Once Upon a Time in Wonderland. Episode six and seven.

"Maybe if we do this, we won't be able to hear how stupid the lines are!"

“Maybe if we do this, we won’t be able to hear how stupid the lines are!”

The most magical thing about being fantasy writer is that there are no limits to your imagination. Rowling created a world of wizards; Lovecraft invented modern horror; Le Guin sent us on incredible journeys to space.

And the writers of Once Upon a Time in Wonderland wrote a genie who has the power of invisibility but goes tottering along a mountainside in full view of his trackers after escaping from prison.

The decisions of each character in our weary cast are equally nonsensical as the show trudges toward the mid-way point. There’s the Red Queen, who chooses to manually track the genie’s escape like a hunter reading scats. Her alternative? She can point to a footprint and it lights up all the other footprints for her. But she only uses that at the very end of her hunt… because she believes in fairness?

Then we’ve got Alice’s father, who manages to be both bland and offensive at the same time. In flashbacks to Alice’s pre-mental ward days, we see her at home with her father and step-mother. Her father repeatedly asks her how long she intends to live with them. In fairness to poor Alice, the girl just reappeared after YEARS of being missing. She’s not a 31-year-old delivering pizzas and living in her mom’s basement. I think we can give her a little time to readjust.

Alas, no. Continue reading

Beauty and the Beast. Midseason finale.

So ... can someone just cancel us?

So … can someone just cancel us?

I avoided watching the midseason finale of Beauty and the Beast because the episode before it was so insane, I was concerned that any additional shock to my post-Thanksgiving euphoric state would slip me straight into a coma.

I didn’t need to hold off. The midseason finale wasn’t shocking in any way. It was predictable, idiotic and disappointing.

Reruns of Big Bang Theory do better than new episodes of Beauty and the Beast, and the midseason finale — the time when you’re supposed to blow things up and leave us on a cliffhanger — demonstrated just why. The thrust of the plot involves the “confrontation” between Cat’s FBI agent dad and her beast boyfriend. When it comes time for Cat to decide to let Vincent kill her dad (which would have been a blessing; his character makes no sense) or let him live, she naturally opts to let her father live. Vincent, disgusted, retreats to a life with Tori, a fellow beast.

And guess what? We don’t care.  Continue reading