Beauty and the Beast. Season two, Episode one.

Last season, Beauty and the Beast was my breakout bad TV star. The acting is terrible, the plots make no sense and everything is shiny and beautiful and CW-y. After a long, hard day at work, I checked my brain at the door and enjoyed 40 minutes of lovely inanity.

Beauty and the Beast has always picked up and dropped plotlines like nothing I have ever seen — and I watched three seasons of Heroes. I’ve never minded it. In fact, it makes the whole experience a lot more amusing. Remember last week when one of the main characters was shot and killed? Me either! Want to get coffee? (This is not a hypothetical. This actually happened.)

Now, unfortunately, the show’s communication is breaking down so thoroughly that it’s devolving into a pile of mush.

“Last season on…”  intros shouldn’t be revelatory. But because of how often Beauty and the Beast switched tack last season, their two-minute refresher turned into a, “Wait, what?!” montage of confusion. Remember how the main character, Catherine, isn’t actually the biological daughter of her father? No! Because they tucked it into a 30-second conversation in the season 1 finale.

The show’s writing isn’t good enough to invite the viewer to make logical leaps. If it didn’t happen on-screen, you must doubt its veracity.

Which is why I spent the first half hour of the show googling episode synopses from last season. Did Cat’s dad die last season? Because people keep mentioning a funeral. But then why is her sister Heather talking about their dad’s promotion? ISN’T HE DEAD? The answer to these questions, in order, is: Yes, he’s dead. She meant ‘tribute’ and not promotion. And yes, again, he is dead.

The plot (So far. I expect it to immediately be resolved in the first 15 minutes of next week’s episode and never mentioned again) revolves around “the beast” Vincent being abducted by the secret government agency Muirfield and having his memory wiped. You can figure it out from here. Cat goes in search of him, finds him and goes about convincing him that he loved her when last season ended. It’s tired, and I’m bored already.

Quick note: I’m not convinced Cat and her friend JT wanted to find Vincent that badly. JT says he’s been “scanning social media” for months for any sign of Vincent. Because the first place a genetically modified hellbeast being covertly utilized by a secret government project is going to appear is Instagram. He’s addicted to posting cappuccino art! Even Muirfield can’t stop him!

FINAL RATING

1.5 stars out of 5

An underwhelming debut. Although I did love the part where Cat saves the New York City DA, who had been shot, with a defibrillator that she happens to have next to her. Never mind the blood loss and tissue damage associated with being shot three times in the chest with a high-powered rifle. He’s fine.

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